I always update on Thanksgiving.
This year's a little different, but always more of the same, as one might expect.
It's fun coming back to these houses where I have memories from years and years ago, but they've been changing too, so a lot of the old artifacts are gone (crappy old computers I played games on with my cousins, for example).

The whole feeling isolated and alone feeling was back for awhile, at least until some of my more chill aunts and uncles offered me some drinks, and we talked about how I'm basically a carbon copy of my father. If you were curious, there are indeed things that are both comforting and unbelievably creepy at the same time.

Otherwise though, things haven't changed too much, but the break was much needed.
You can bet your ass I'm thankful.

Well that was strangely fantastic and mysterious.

But where the fuck do I go from here?

My schedule doesn't seem to be that conducive to a relaxing, stress-free environment.
Hey everyone.
How's it going.
Been a while right? I know I kind of put in a desperate entry a week or two ago, but I feel like entries made when you're stressed can't really be given too much credence.
Which would rule this one out, so nevermind.

I cannot place it, but this week has left me with the weirdest sense of tunnel vision. On Monday I was freaking out because I didn't understand what the hell was happening in my Physics class, and points were being lost right in front of me. Last week's Physics Lab was not enjoyable either, so ultimately sheer lack of sleep and free time (thanks Res Life!) have really been keeping me from remembering the simple things like "oh hey there are a bunch of people who care about you (and most likely are going through similar if not the same things)". Lack of contact will do that to you. You begin to assume, etc this etc that.
Or maybe that's just me (and I need to see a Psychiatrist).

Bottom line is, this Sunday my Physics Homework is due. Tomorrow my Physics Lab is due. Friday, my Differential Equations homework is due. Meanwhile, I also am on duty Friday and Saturday (my last weekend for the most part). I would enjoy having the time to focus on this girl I've been talking to for at least a month and a half now, but it'd be a futile gesture granted I'm not in the best state of mind. I feel like I used to have so much control over things, not that I can remember.

Now we just plunge forward.
Somehow I feel like a little bit of sarcasm here and there will brighten the mood though.
Or at least make me feel better about being in such an unpleasant one.

Don't you worry though. I've actually been in some very good moods over the past few weeks, albeit very sporadically.
Get through.
That's the only thought in my mind.
Cheers.

I'm losing it.

At least half of my weekends are devoted to work, and it seems like whenever I do have that little bit of free time everyone's got their own stuff... I guess that's not too unusual though. I really should call up my frat bros on those nights, since that's kind of the reason you join a frat in the first place. My fault.

Differential Equations is kicking my ass. I don't feel like I'm learning anything, and with my job load I feel like every week I'm barely getting anything done in time. A little focus can fix that, I guess.

I see certain old friends a few times a week, and some even less than that. Some I don't really even communicate with. I've got some things that I've been hopeful but perhaps too impatient about, and when reality kicks back in it's a whole lot of disappointment, at the worst time. Again, probably my own doing.

There's not really an end in sight, really, at least not until next semester.
To receive you must give. Except I feel like all I have to give are the little things.

The memories come flooding back

I'm ready to come home.

Wasn't that a movie? It must not have done very good or something.

Anyway, the short of the long is I had a little too much to drink on Tuesday and sort of lost control of what I was doing, which really used to be my ultimate fear with alcohol. We ended up at a club, and I was being inappropriate with some of the girls in my group. I haven't felt too good about myself for that, and unfortunately there's not too much I can do to take it back.

Compounding onto this problem is my essentially being ejected from the group of people I've been hanging out with up until now. Making a fool of myself certainly hasn't helped, but I've sort of being saying stupid things in general, and haven't been a very fun person to be around. As of now I'm on "we'll call you" status.

I do have another group of people I can hang out with, but they're not exactly the best people for partying, or any late-night escapades. Frankly I'm fine without clubs, since I really don't want to have anything to do with them at the moment. But, it does get kind of boring at night, and during the day I don't really have anyone to hang out with anymore. It's a shitty place to be.

And as for the alcohol. I always had a feeling this sort of thing would happen, and honestly, there's only been one other time when I've made a really shitty decision under the influence (and I'm sorry for that if you still read this). This was why I was always paranoid, and right now it's why I won't trust myself to drink a lot until I regain my confidence. And who knows how long that will take. In the meantime, I'll have plenty of opportunity to see where I need to get my shit together, and hopefully the presence of mind and will to actually make it happen.

I got really lonely yesterday and today, and it doesn't help knowing you have one less person to call. It's actually kind of funny how hard it is to get yourself to take up on everyone's offers for help though. This whole thing is really all my fault though, which I believe is the worst thing about it.

Hmm so London's good.

I think I may just start a new journal or something so I get can the word out about how AWESOME AND ALSO TINY it is here. I'd expect that in the next couple of days, when my laptop starts to get internet and hiking 15 minutes to the computer lab isn't necessary anymore.
Taking pictures requires dedication, which I'm going to have to put forth I guess. I just won't see to many of myself... But that's the price you pay.

My father finally passed away. Being so disconnected from everything and all, it hasn't really tripped me up too much, since I'm already in the process of being tripped up by Britain in general. It may hit me when I get back to an empty house and have to claim possessions, but I did do a lot of grieving while he was in the process of dying.
More on that later I guess.

I got a pay-as-you-go phone, which costs only 4 pence a minute for US calls (like 23 for the first two and 8 after that for in the UK and Europe). I suppose I could post the number if you'd like to call me or something, but I'm 8 hours ahead. Calling me at a generous 7 pm is more like 3 in the morning over here.

At any rate, I daresay I'll check back in later.

Today my father was moved to Hospice.

My brothers and I visited him. He could barely move and was not entirely there mentally, but when he understood that we had arrived he mustered the last of his strength, hugged each of us and told us goodbye, and then told our mom to take care of us.

I left early with my mom, but at the moment I'm home. Completely and utterly alone.

This has been happening for five years and only now is it real to me.
I can't even begin to express how I feel.

Ugh.
How dignified.

I can't really see how I'm going to get all of this work done, especially since a lot of it involves learning it for the first time.

So many things are coming to a close, and not all of them good.

Some short thoughts on things.

-So, I've been feeling kind of blah all week, between being sick and being unwilling to go out and do anything (or even do homework for that matter). Before midnight on a Saturday, I've reached the culmination of this at my mom's house by myself.
It's not as bad as it could be though, since I at least got to see the Saint Mary's play. God I miss those kids, and those days, for that matter. Seriously don't go back to visit; it'll make you so happy and so sad at the same time.

-I feel like my metabolism has slowed down. True, I haven't really been to the gym regularly in awhile (and when I do I feel like I'm so out of shape that I'm going to die), but I've gone from being able to eat plates and plates of food to barely being able to finish one. Saving money is great, I guess, but does this mean I have to watch what I eat now? Like, more carefully than normal?

-One of my wisdom teeth is coming in, while the rest mysteriously remain concealed. If these puppies have to be removed, it had better be long before I go to Europe.

-And speaking of Europe, the closer I get to my departure date the more nervous I feel about the whole thing. Things have reached a point with my dad that if something doesn't happen before I leave, it definitely will while I'm gone. The more I think about it the worse of an idea it sounds.

-My pledge father texted me tonight, asking for me to request a ride for him tomorrow from my pledge brothers. When I didn't give him info in the next few minutes, he sent another text, reading "Am I g2g for tomorrow for a ride? How about 'How's ur boot camp Jake' or 'yeah sure man, I'll make sure someone's there'. You kinda suck as a pledge son. I'm not going to ask u any more questions about you or ur life. U don't ask me shit."
Frankly I haven't got much more to say than I'm no longer surprised, only disappointed. And maybe something like "Nothing interests me more in finding out how your life's going than you telling me I suck", or "I only ask as many questions as you do, asshole."

-I said hi to Jeremy Goraj after the play tonight. He's going to ASU too next year, and his mom asked me if I was in a fraternity, and I said yes. She immediately said something to the extent of "SEE! YOU SHOULD JOIN ONE TOO JEREMY!".
Fresh blood.

-Physics has been pissing me off more than ever. For example, I now legitimately get angry when I do my online homework sometimes, just because some of the questions are worded in a way that make it impossible to be certain of what's being asked. AGadjgh!

-Lastly, I've felt lonely this week because I've been sick/busy/lazy/unhappy? I would really just like some chill time with some old friends, not just going out to lunch, but sitting around, having a couple drinks, and watching a movie or something. And maybe a good conversation if we can manage it. It seems like that would relieve so much more stress, or something like that.

-Remember a year ago? The end of high school? I still feel like it just happened.

3 Interviews, a nap because I couldn't function, and a trip home to have dinner.

Utter failure to accomplish any homework related task.
sigh.

Arg remember how you had free time on Saturdays?
I don't.

Well Jesus that broke my spirit.

I'm speechless.
Somebody think they could come and pick the pieces for me? Because I really can't of anything to do other than sit here.

I don't know.
I really don't know.

And suddenly months become days.

I feel numb.
I'm going to keep going, I always will...
But I feel like I've forgotten the reason.

Heh. Life.
My mouth hurts.

They say that time is the eternal predator.
Damn I wish I had more of it.

That's right you wish you lived here.

-Phoenix from A Mountain.

-Tempe from A Mountain